Art vs Ego

A brief overview of my experience in creating art for the purpose of self-expression and exploration, versus creating art through craving the attention and praise of others.

In 2002 I was seven years old and the internet was still very fresh- as was the technology available to us. I was in computer class and with thanks to my Dad I had already been acquainted with the Microsoft Paint program (a program with very basic tools for drawing). My fellow peers were using basic text boxes and using the shape templates to colour in, and I had chosen to freehand draw a kangaroo with a bright blue scarf wrapped around his neck. I was enjoying myself, oblivious to the creations of other students, until numerous teachers were making a fuss behind me. Before long I was sent to the principal’s

office (a place my brother knew much better than I) and I was terrified that I’d done something wrong. Yet I was awarded a commendation certificate and to my delight- a big, round metallic sticker saying ‘Well Done!” I was absolutely elated!

See, I wasn’t a stand out child by any means; my grades were generally pretty average, except in the mathematics department where they were- and still are- well below average, I wasn’t great at sport, I wasn’t funny and didn’t have the most exciting stories for news (try keeping a group of seven-year-olds entertained by the topic of Type 1 Diabetes- I dare you), but suddenly I was known to be good at drawing, and it felt good. I felt seen.

Despite feeling good about being praised by others for my rare ability to draw well it didn’t affect me too much; I still continued to spend my days drawing at my desk at home by the big window that looked out over the big willow drooping over the pond as the ducks swam underneath. At the time, though, I didn’t realize how deeply I would come to rely on this talent to feel justified as a worthy human being.

Come high school I was known as the “good drawer” and I embraced it. I could let my maths grades dwindle away to basically non-existent, I would doodle in class instead of paying attention to the lesson, and perhaps most notably for me in hindsight was my belief that my skills in drawing surpassed those around me, so I needn’t learn the “boring parts” of Art class. I had no interest in Art History, I disagreed with majority of the projects that were given to the class, and paid almost no attention to the basic foundations of Art- such as light, tone, value, perspective, etc. I believed that because I could draw well I didn’t need to learn that stuff. Unfortunately- though I saw it as wonderful at the time- my teachers came to accept that I was going to create what I wanted and they left me to it. I had no idea how much this would come to hinder me in time.

The birth of social media arrived when I was in high school and none of us saw it coming. As we all navigated around this strange new space and essentially created what it is today, we quickly discovered it was a platform to show off our “best parts”. Now, I was a troubled teen in more ways than one, and struggling with a multitude of problems I always turned to my Art to feel safe and in control, because truthfully it was the only area in my life I felt like I had control over. Social media was not the place for me to post glamorous selfies or bikini body shots, but it was a perfect platform to show off my talent. I don’t believe this is a bad thing; everyone was-and still is doing it, but at the time I wasn’t conscious of the severity at how dependent I was becoming on seeking validation from my art through social media.

My star sign is Leo- the Lion, and Leo’s are typically known to be natural born leaders, popular among their peers and protective over loved ones, yet we are also known to be egotistical, proud, possessive, overly sensitive and approval-obsessed. Every time I received a compliment on my Art it was like a big stroke to the fury mane of my Lioness’ ego. Social media allowed me to feed on the attention my talent could attract and although I wasn’t aware of it at the time I would soon take the ultimate test on just how far that desire could take me.

I started my business at the age of nineteen and having been told by almost everyone throughout my whole life how talented I am I was equipped with the belief that this unbound talent of mine could get me anywhere. It took off well, as per most fresh small businesses do when they’re first getting their feet off the ground, but I was providing a service by drawing portraits of people’s pets and families, not creating my own works. I quickly grew tired of just drawing portraits, and decided to experiment with drawing my own pieces and attempted to sell them, as well as prints of them. Desperate to validate my unique Art by making money from it I would draw whatever I could think of that people might buy, but I gave little to no thought on the ideas. I strove to get them done as quickly as possible and was always seeking another reason to post on social media.

Paradoxically, my Art became inauthentic and lacked substance and meaning.

I would repeatedly have meltdowns, questioning why I couldn’t get anyone to buy my “personal artworks”, and complained that I didn’t want to draw portraits all the time. I began to ask myself ‘why’ this was so; why were people not buying my personal works, and I began to notice that my personal pieces were not Artworks I was necessarily proud of.

They weren’t true reflections or representations of myself as a human, the beliefs I held- in fact they were really just substance-less. At the time I also had absolutely no idea of what actually goes in to running a small business, such as customer satisfaction and experience, branding, marketing/advertising, packaging, time management, customer demographic, being of service as opposed to just trying to sell products and learning how to engage and interact with my customers.

As I began to ask myself these questions, like “why am I not selling originals, why don’t my originals cause as much of a response as a portrait of someone’s dog”, etc, I asked myself a question that really changed my entire perspective on my

business, my Art, and myself.

“Why am I creating Art?”

It was this question that really stirred up some uncomfortable emotions within myself, and I arrived at the question “am I just doing this for the attention?”

This question was so confronting and terrifying that I avoided it as much as possible, but being as intrigued as I am with personal development I had a knowing deep within me that I had to tackle the thought.

I arrived at the uncomfortable truth that yes, I had often been creating with the intentions of making money, and gaining attention, praise and validation from others, but surprisingly when I had this realization I was able to ask myself whether I could continue to create Art without those intentions. Could I create Art just for the sake of enjoyment, pleasure, exploration and wonder- just as I had done in my childhood?

I traveled a little back in time to my inner child, to the days spent sitting at my desk beside the big window overlooking the drooping willow and the ducks in the pond, and realized that was how it all started; with wonder, curiosity, desire. I had merely gotten swayed off track. The only issue was that I was now a practicing professional Artist with responsibilities and obligations, and very little knowledge on Art itself.

Accepting the path I had taken I chose to understand with grace for my youthful and naive self that I had used my passion in such a way because I felt unseen, unheard, invalidated and invisible. My deeply ingrained desires to have pride within myself and to be impressive and skillful at something was a natural call for action, and with the incredible opportunities that social media brought to the mix, it was a perfect concoction for an explosion of the ego.

Over time, I have taken the responsibility to learn about the basic elements and principles of Art, have researched the Great Masters of the Renaissances, learned about the many styles and forms of Art, dabbled in different mediums, bought books on Art-Business, read and watched content on how to achieve specific textures or how to use particular mediums and so much more. I have explored my deep curiosity to learn about my craft and I understand now that I have only just scraped the tip of the iceberg. This will be a journey I take for the rest of my time here.

During this time I have had the courage to truly create Art personal to me, reflecting my beliefs and perspectives and honouring my own desires and pleasures, sometimes taking just a Sunday afternoon to do so, or a whopping 67 hours across a few months. While the thrill of potential praise still lurks deep within me- like the prowling Lioness hiding in the tall grass of the Savannah- I am able to acknowledge her presence, but continue to create from a place of personal desire, excitement, curiosity and pleasure. And true to the testament, these have been the very works that have resonated with hundreds of people.

It has been this battle between my Art and my ego that has enabled me to see Art from all sides- from the abstracts of Jackson Pollock to the famous Cubist works from Picasso (who, by the way started out as a hyper-realism Artist like me), to the striking, thought-provoking works of Banksy, and odd dreamscape of Salvador D’ali; all of who’s works differ exponentially- yet carry within them the deepest expression of the souls who created them.

And that, is the beauty of Art.

Until next time, keep creating.

Madeline x